Which leads me to the Anger. I am so angry right now, isn't one loved one having cancer and dying enough for one family? I am angry at God - I do not believe that we are given only what we can stand, that it all makes us stronger. Why? Why do we have to be made stronger by watching people we love in pain and slipping away from us a moment at a time?
These thoughts lead to Faith. I was amazed when Jolie was dying of the faith she had. It kept her believing she was going someplace better and I really hope she was right. It gave her peace and a calmness to die with grace. I see the same thing with Martha and her family around her. I told her that I saw the same grace within her and said out loud that I was not sure I would have that same grace, she smiled a little smile at me when I said that. I am sure that there are times of rage and anger in her, but both she and Jolie never shared that with me.
Love. Love surrounded Martha while I was there and I was just a small part of it. The Love in the eyes of her beautiful daughters, her nieces, her parents, in-laws and in the tears of her soul mate and husband filled the room, I sometimes felt I could reach out and touch it.
Anger at a God that lets this happen. Faith that gives Martha grace in her current stuggle. Love that never ends no matter that the mortal body does.
All of it confounds me. All that I know for sure is what I whispered to her as I left,
Martha, I have been blessed to have you in my life and I'll see you again.
The same words I whispered to her sister the last time I saw her. I have to believe that I will see them both again, because I believe that we are all on a journey and this life is just a part of that journey. Is that faith? Should that lessen my anger? It does not lessen my love.