Monday, May 19, 2014

The Penis

Ok, most of my tens of readers know I am a lesbian.  I have been one for a very long time.  I cannot tell you the last time I have seen a penis on anyone older than three.

So I am not sure what I signed up for that has brought penis mail into my mailbox over the last couple of weeks.

I have gotten:

Wake up the Porn Star in You!!!  10 inches in 5 minutes.  Use the most powerfull cock stiffener guaranteed to produce unbridled sexuality - the all orgasms - all the time capsule.

And then there is the Power Penis Amplifier.

And - Your schlong can more than match the enormous penis you've dreamed about.  Pleasure 10 girls in a row every night until their orgasms send them to 7th heaven.

Then there is:  Size Does Matter!!!  (If a woman tells you it doesn't - she's a liar)

Then I got:  Erections on demand!

And my personal favorite, because I can just hear Arnold Schwartzenager saying it:

"Erectinol - Will Pump up Your Penis with enough blood to satisfy any woman for hours" 

Just say it his voice in your head, I guarantee it is funny.

I am just not sure where all this is coming from.  Has someone put my name and address on the penis list, it must exist.  Did I piss someone off?  Do I have a penis and just don't know it.  I'd think I would know it, but maybe...

In any event they all come with pictures, yes pictures of the biggest penis (what is the plural - neither my beloved or myself are sure) and I was just going to throw them in the recycle, but was advised by my beloved that perhaps I should shred them.  After the 5th one I opened I complained that I was going to burn out our shredder.

I thruthfully don't have anything against the penis, I just don't really need to know how to make them bigger and satisfy your woman like never before. 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Knowing someone in the obits - kinda sad.

Today I was looking for a theme in the obits.  I found a couple that I thought I would blog about.

There were two men who had been with the SFFD for lots of years prior to retirings.

Then there was the immigrant theme.  Lots of the those this morning, chasing the American dream and according  to their stories they found it.

Then I came across one that I don't normally see - some one I knew.  I read the name and then looked at the picture and had a flashback to the days at McCutchen, Doyle and Brown.  For those of you not in the know, BIG law firm that I worked for in the past.  Lots of attorneys.  Lots of assholes - maybe someday I'll tell the story of why I left.

But not this man, he was one of the good guyes and I am going to break my nom-de-blog rule here and use his real name:

David R. Andrews I knew him in the mid 80's and to tell the truth, I thought about him just his past week.  I remember being in his office one day and he was telling me to never eat tuna.  I think I was contemplating ordering tuna and the conversation flashed in my head.  I ordered a salad instead.  He was an environmental lawyer and based on his obit in this week's paper, so much more.

People come and go in and out of our lives.  It happens all the time.  We meet.  Maybe at work and we become a part of each other's lives for a time.  Then we go away for whatever reason, maybe never to see or hear from each other ever again.  Then you read about them in the obits and you are a little sad.

Mr. Andrews was one of those people that when he spoke, you listened.  Not because you had to, but because he made you want to.  He was always kind to me when our paths crossed - usually a computer problem at some really bad time - I never remember his losing his temper or raising his voice.  But I will always remember his passion about tuna and what had been done to our oceans.

You will be amazed.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Flying in Comfort?

We all know that travel is not easy, it has gotten worse and worse over the last few years.

Without sounding full of myself, I am a good traveller.  I travel light, I wear my socks more than once and I have one carry on bag.

That bag is a blue fabric with gold fleur-de-lis on it.  And yes, I did get it France many years ago.  It goes on every trip with me.  It has my shawl, because it always cold on an airplane and I don't like to use the blankets that might be provided.  A little pouch with stuff to freshen up with.  Another little pouch that holds my cables for my electronics.  My kindle.  My Ipad.  Sometimes a travel pilllow.  And then I have enough room for my pocket book.

One bag.  It fits perfectly under my seat and I put my feet on it.  Since I am pretty short, this makes my trip a bit more comfortable.

So, here I am the traveller that follows the rules.  Small carry on that I can put under my seat.  I leave the overhead to all those people that bring their "carry-ons" that take up most of the overhead compartment.

So last night, my beloved and I get on a plane at SFO, bound for North Carolina.  I am in the middle seat, because in addition to being a good traveller that followes the rules, I am a considerate travel mate and take the middle seat.

Imagine my surprise when my carry on does not fit under the seat!  What is up with that?  I contort my body and look under the seat.  There is a metal box attached to the seat in front of me that will not allow me to put my bag under my seat!

So after grabbing my kindle I have to find overhead space.  Plane is full.  Roller bags fill every space and I am not happy.  I find a spot and a man helps me move things around and my bag fits up there.  I sit back down and settle in.  Realizing, great now I have nothing.  No glasses, no shawl, no fucking nothing.  My beloved gets up and gets my pillow.

Fuck, where am I going to put my feet?  This lead to most unconfortable flight I have ever been on.  After bitching about it here, I am off to the Delta web site to complain.  Not that I think it will do any good, but because it might make feel better.